the fucking day 09092008

Well on 08092008, feel a little sad cos the convo had end.. everyone had went back to where they supposed to be and start adjusting to the life in the real world... Have to accept the fact that time and tide wait for no man.. no more holidays.. I have to try to concentrate on my honours project.. but I still cant commit myself into the project.. I really really cannot tahan life in Malaysia... that is how I feel for the whole day..
after that.. planned to meet ezie for their break fast.. went to asia cafe in a kelisa containing 6 asses.. had dinner with rita, aqilah, ezie, aqel and one more guy whose name i cant rem now.. Ezie gave me a belated grad gift.. a ty bear with a tag "you did it".
After dinner, the rest went back except Ezie and I went to pyramid new wing's starbucks to start catching up on wat's happening.. I gave her the superb overdue explanation that she deserved and wat's happening for the past few months.. we exchanged updates and she has a lot of funny stories.. It was like the old times..
we were sitting at the starbucks for hours that it is near midnight and ezie have to rush back for the curfew.. if not for the curfew, we would have chat even longer... After the catching up session with her, Although the group is not complete without the jeejee and nenek, I reach home with lighter heart and happiness..
weirdly that night I cant sleep at all.. was lying on bed since 2 plus am but I keep turning and tossing on the bed till it's time for me to freshen up for sch..


The FUCKY tuesday 09092008
Athough I din sleep at all, I still have physical energy and mental power to do my experiments for the whole day.. results from the experiments are not promising.. it either my samples are lost, or obtained funny inconsistent results or the bacteria din grow (usually all the time the bacteria grow) and I still cant prepared the solution due to missing reagent.. superb sian and bother by the unproductive day in the lab. I finished the work near 5 but I don feel like walking back home yet cos it is peak period on LDP road.. I rather rot in sch postgrad room then and also have to wait for xinying to return her external harddisc to her.
Was watching "married life", then got a surprise call from Shin.. I tell her to come to postgrad room, and then straight after ending the call with Shin, Xinying called.. I told her to come to postgrad room too.. was scheming in my head wonder how both of them will react when they saw each other on the way to postgrad room.. As expected, xinying talked in high pitch to Shin just outside the room. when there's no one in the room then Shin and xy smuggled into the room and use the computers.
Got sms from cat to call her.. so i called.. So glad to hear that she is coming down to find me and also for sang xin moment.. She is not in great form due to the breakup.. could not believe that guy is such a idiot.. and bastard.. I really hate ppl bullying my sister.. The news that cat is coming down have brighten up my day despite the failed experiments and she is also bringing others ppl down.. the more and merrier.. and I can ask them for help for my project..
Later xy left for dinner and shin also left for dinner.. then I realised its 730pm and it is superb dark so I quickly walk out of school..
the long creepy dark road from school to pyramid is exciting.. there is no bright streetlights along the road and the shop lots were closed.. I regreted for not leaving the school earlier.. so I called my aunty to ask her to fetch me from pyramid then.. she din answer then I just went to meet ezie, rita, nana and shasha at rsb.. Then aunty called.. I just asking her whether can fetch me back.. she start scolding things like y call at last minutes.. WTF.. last time when I called her at 4pm.. she scold me why call so early.. so which timing is the best.. or watever timing i called is the wrong timing.. i'm feeling a bit pissed and also sense that she is not in good mood so i asked is it convenient to fetch.. she scold wat''s up with the politeness.. if need say need.. no need to be so polite..
KNN I just try to be kind to her and being bomb back like I am some manipulative ppl who used reverse psychology.. then talking abt where to pick me up. I mentioned pyramid main entrance and then end call..
Half an hour later she called and say she reached, I verified if she at the main entrance where there is taxi q there.. she said yes and she is right at the front.. So i walk to the main entrance and i could not find her so called back she say she is at the bus stop in front of the taxi q.. very good... the bus stop is nearer to the pyramid new gate and I had to walk detour to find her car..
Once in the car, the fucky moment start:
1. aunty: why everytime you all call at the last minutes, so last minute?

me: last time i called early u scolded me and now i call u much later u scold me.. wat time is the good time to call then?

2. aunty: I being kind-hearted, seeing you all (referrin to me and my cousin keith) have to take bus and walk and always reached home very tired so I offer to pick u all up. Why u all cannot be considerate for me. And just now in the phone why u ask is it convenient or not.. no need to say these kind of words

me: so you can be be considerate to us and I cannot be considerate to u?!?
(in my heart i was wondering wtf is she taking.. first say we not considerate n then bomb me when i being considerate; or is she inferring that I am very fake, pretending to be kind to her)

after the reply.. aunty got quiet.. she know her argument points are weak

3. aunty: yest I was very angry alredi and still is.. yest keith in klcc and din inform me and make me wait for nothing.. and then just now I reached his office, he's in the bus back alredi.. why u all have to fly kite on me?

me: It's not my fault, why shoot me? Did I ever do that to u? In the past till now, whenever i call to ask u to fetch me, I alway wait for u to come and fetch.. I have never fly kite on u yet...

4. aunty: next time, give me ur one week schedule of wat time u can go off.. in the past, I alway tell u guys when i am not available and u all always give me last minutes schedule..

me: how can i tell u wat time i can go off.. i m doing experiments and u don know wat time it will finish and of cos sometime when ur experiment fail u wan do other experiments.. very last min one

5. aunty: next time remember where is the pick up point and the drop off point. Don’t wan everytime I need to tell u.

me: ….

6. aunty: later i go back i am going to scold keith, you all every time do this to me.. That made me don feel like fetching you guys back.. Let u all just take the bus back yourself..

me: .... (in my mind i was thinking wtf, wth.. all my fault la... is it? Very good lo.. she is the one who promise my mum to fetch me back from school and now going to break promise.. fuck fuck fuck.... all the past issue haunt back... )

I reached home, after my bath i heard another cousin, LZ got scolded like shit by his mum and his dad. Soon keith ask me out for yum cha. Keith got worse shits from 2 aunties..
we talk abt:
1. Why life in aman suria so noisy, restricting and irritating that both of us wan to get out
2. Why we cant get the car that our parents promised
3 why are we so stupid to take car license, should have taken motorbike license at that time
4. Why tee aunties can behave like monsters, use us as punching bags when they are in bad mood..
5. They tell us to say out what ever problem we have but when we speak out, they remark back ‘BULLSHIT’
6. They don't trust me..



FUCK FUCK FUCK issues that haunt back:
Car and accommodation issue:
Two years ago, when i decided to come here and study, I was thinking of staying at the hostel, near the school. Relatives offer me to stay at their places (got 3 choices; two in aman suria and one in taman seputeh). Mum asked me to stay at their place and then take public transport to school or used the money that is saved from the accommodation to buy second-hand car..
So i decided to stay with relative and meanwhile looking for car adverts.. Later the idea of buying the car being shoot down by my aunties.. So I stop thinking abt it.
half year later, nenek (frien’s nick) got a car. Mum saw the car and she plan to buy second hand car for me so I ask nenek to look out for car lobang. Again the idea being rejected by the aunties..they can even suggest take taxi back...
come on la.. over here the taxi driver is the boss not the passenger.. they choose passenger.. I had lost count of how many taxi driver don wan to drive me back or they overcharged me.. addin on I have to walk to pyramid from my school to get the cabs bcos the cabs in front of my school only WANT go to nearby places like hostel, condo, n pyramid.
At that time i was very sad and angry.. why they have to stop me.. Its not like I wan a car to show off.. I wan a car is to make my life easier... my mum can even tell me pls don think that my aunties are jealous...KNN CCB WTF... y would i think that way? I more of worrying abt my journey back home and the time i had to spend.. Why worry abt wasting this amount of money to buy the trash car and save up my precious time? Money can be earn back but u cant turn back time..

Honours or CFA:
During July 08.. I am wonder shld i continue honours or go and do CFA.. Ever since the second semester (early 07) in school, I have lost interest in science and a little interested in Finance and realise my love in numbers during the last sem.. I told mum abt the decision that I wan to reject honours offer, go back home and take CFA. My mum replied sadly: u go and talk to ur aunty.
So i go talk to aunty, first thing is I got bomb abt why last minute have change in passion. I talk abt there is no future and low employment rate in science research field.. she shoot back by saying wat I said is bullshit.. and all the blah blah blah thing like everything i hear is from my friends.. friends friends.. i have no mind of my own... I explain to her but she don understand me.. Whatever thing she say is pointless and irrelevant to me and then she bomb me on other issues. In another word.. its like duck and chicken talking to each other.. it is pointless to tell her my point of view.. I am supposed to be there listening to her, being shoot down mentally and emotionally. It is a session to throw away my self esteem and my confidence, not a session to know myself better. In the end I had to lie that i want to take honours. A move I made just to make ppl around me happy.. of cos my mum was very happy to hear that I am taking honours offer. However I din tell her that I accept the offer till she call me during mid-august. I so knowing that for this one year, how screw up I am goin to be... adding on honours is different from study.. during study, students have fixed time table, honours dont.. the issue of transportation pop up again..
so I tried asking mum to get a car again.. she replied why i have to waste money.. u only got one year left... u just tahan one more year la taking public transport and ur aunt said she can come and fetch u..

unhappy stay in aman suria aka the prison:
life with own family home is different from living in relative's, living in friend's house, living alone..
me now living with relatives with tremendously difficult adding on with alot of relatives... every time I got misunderstood and a lot of scandals pop up.. Fuck all the rumor-mongers.. i am fine with scolding when it is my fault.. but there are times when i got scold for no reasons or it is not my fault.. there are couple of incidents but shall not write it out.. secondly I have been living in quiet peaceful home for 23 years and when i moved in here.. i really cant stand the noisy shouting, arguments, yelling over here..

the decision:
My mind is thinking of one question now:
stay on, car, accommodation, quit or runaway?
Which one should i do?
Which one will i get?

My mind very tired but i cant slp.. that i had to resort eating diazepam to make me sleep..adding on this coming Friday i have one poster presentation for my project proposal which will b assess... i have no heart to perform well for it and I know I will crap and screw up during the presentation..